


Fathers Ruin Everything

by shrill_fangirl_screaming



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: AU, AU- no one dies/everyone lives, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bitches Get Shit Done, F/M, Gen, alla y'all are sinners and/or sadists purify yourself with fluff, how many layers deep of AU can i go, story told by narrative and text messaging
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-08
Updated: 2016-02-08
Packaged: 2018-05-19 05:39:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,669
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5955702
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shrill_fangirl_screaming/pseuds/shrill_fangirl_screaming
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Eliza Hamilton will be DAMNED if her boy's first date is ruined by POLITICS.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fathers Ruin Everything

**Author's Note:**

> It has been a long day. My self-control is gone. If I really gave a fuck I would format all the text messaging and what have you, but for now, use your imagination. It should be fairly clear what's going on at any given point and if it isn't just leave a comment and I'll clarify. 
> 
> Partially inspired by the original version of Schuyler Defeated floating around tumblr.

“Hey, Dad?”

“Philip!” Hamilton crowed, looking up from his rapid typing on his laptop. “What brings you to my office?”

Philip- fourteen, gawky, 90% elbows and knees- stepped cautiously into the mess that was his father’s office. “I wanted to ask you for some advice. I asked Uncle John, and he told me to come to you. It’s about a girl.”

Hamilton’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh?”

“Yeah. A girl in my class.”

“You like her?”

Philip scuffed the floor with his toes. “Yeah. I guess. I just- I guess I don’t know what to do about it?”

“And Uncle John told you to come to me about it?” Philip nodded. “Good. I’m glad he finally acknowledges my sheer finesse when it comes to wooing people. I mean, come on, look at your mother. She’s so far out of my league it’s hilarious.”

“Gross, Dad.”

Hamilton clapped his son on the shoulder. “Don’t worry. You’re a Hamilton, we’re naturally great with the ladies.”

“Dad!”

“Just be yourself, play nice, ask her out on a date. I’m sure your mother would love to drive you to the movies or what have you.”

Philip frowned. “Dad, Mom is busy. Completely, perpetually busy.”

“Then Aunt Angelica. Or Uncle John. Uncle Herc. Someone. Hell, maybe Lafayette will fly in from France.”

“You’re not supposed to say hell in front of me,” Philip said.

Hamilton paused. “I said hell?”

“Yep.”

“Don’t tell your mother.” Hamilton gave his son’s shoulder another firm pat. “Good talk.”

Before his father could turn away, Philip caught his elbow. “Wait, that’s it? That’s your advice? Ask her out and be myself? Ask her out _where_?”

“I don’t know, what do fourteen year olds do? See a movie, go rollerskating, go to homecoming, whatever. Ask her out, be a gentleman but not a tool, be yourself. If she’s good for you, she’ll be just fine.”

Philip remained unconvinced as his father took his place behind a wall of paperwork and screens, scooping his laptop up and typing frantically. “I think I’m gonna ask Mom.”

“That probably should have been plan A, yes.”

As it turns out, Hamilton was right. This should have been plan A, because Elizabeth Schuyler-Hamilton asked the one question Alexander never thought of.

“And who’s the lucky lady?” Eliza asked, chopping vegetables for supper in the kitchen.

Philip stole a cube of carrot from his perch on a stool. “She’s this really nice, super smart girl in her class, her name’s Theo. I think her dad knows my dad- Theodosia Burr? Dad knows Mr. Burr, right?”

Philip’s mother was completely still for the first time in his memory. “Theodosia Burr? That’s the girl you like?”

“Is that a problem?”

“No,” Eliza said forcefully, shaking her head. “No, it’s not a problem, and if your father says it is, he lies. Do not tell him this date- theoretical date, yes, Philip, I understand- is with Theo, okay? Not until it’s over.”

“Why not?” Philip asked, eyeing his mother suspiciously.

Eliza resumed chopping vegetables. “Your father and Mr. Burr don’t get along very well. It’s for silly reasons, of course, the Burrs are lovely people, but I don’t trust your father not to do something silly that will make your date more awkward than it strictly needs to be. You and Theo deserve to have a first date not marred by your fathers’ rocky relationship.”

“I haven’t even asked her out, Ma!” Philip complained.

“Yes, but you’re going to,” Eliza countered serenely. “You like her, she probably likes you, you’re both fourteen. Why _shouldn’t_ you ask her out?”

 

Group Chat Name: Alexander’s Emotional Support Group

To Group: All right, everyone, Philip is asking out Theodosia Burr, Jr. Alexander doesn’t know. Help?

From Hercules Mulligan: YES

From Gilbert Lafayette: This is the best news I’ve heard today!

From Angelica <3: Philip and Theo would be so cute together!

To Group: Angelica- you know Alexander. He is going to completely overreact if/when he finds out. Also- Laurens, I know you’re lurking here. Philip told me he asked you for advice. Did you know and choose not to warn me?

From John Laurens: … perhaps.

To Group: We will be having words about this.

From Angelica <3: DO NOT LET ALEX KNOW BEFORE THE DATE! He will ruin it because he is a colossal ass.

From Hercules Mulligan: Taking bets on Alexander’s reaction in the other chat.

From Gilbert Lafayette: Hiding from Eliza’s disapproval?

From Hercules Mulligan: Of course.

From Gilbert Lafayette: Smart. Let’s do this.

To Group: I think I’m going to have to email Theodosia Sr. She’ll be able to manage Aaron, I should be able to control Alexander, and between the two of us, our children might be able to have a normal first date, Lord willing.

From Angelica <3: … good luck with that, Eliza.

To Group: I don’t know why I thought you all would help.

To Group: Oh, and Laurens- you are going to be repaid for this little surprise sometime in the future.

From John Laurens: I expect nothing less from you, Mrs. Hamilton.

To Group: Lord help us all.

 

Group Chat: Alexander’s Emotional Support Group

To Group: Theo said yes. I’m driving them to the movies on Saturday.

From Hercules Mulligan: Laurens, cough up.

From John Laurens: We were doing this on the other chat!

From Angelica <3: Why are you driving?

To Group: They’re fourteen. If I don’t do it, the odds of Alex or Aaron finding out increase exponentially.

To Group: Boys, I can’t stop you from betting on each other, but I can and will stop you from betting on my son. He’s going on his first date this weekend, he needs his uncles supportive, not destructive.

From Hercules Mulligan: Sorry, Liza, but you know this is going to be a colossal, hilarious explosion when their dads find out.

To Group: I’m emailing Theodosia Sr. right now. There is no way she can be less helpful than you all right now.

 

To: [theodosiaburr@gmail.com](mailto:theodosiaburr@gmail.com)

From: [eschuyler-hamilton@gmail.com](mailto:eschuyler-hamilton@gmail.com)

Dear Theodosia,

I’m sorry to bother you out of the blue like this, but I’m Elizabeth Schuyler-Hamilton, Philip’s mother. I believe we’ve met a few times at political functions, gently prying our respective husbands out of the petty arguments they inevitably find themselves embroiled in. I’m emailing you because my son has asked your daughter on a date, and she has accepted. I’m assuming she has okayed this outing with you- she’s a good girl and I can’t imagine why she’d try to sneak around.

My first priority is to allow our children to go on a date like the young people they are without our husbands turning it into World War Three. Alexander doesn’t know because he is constantly busy, Philip is acting uncharacteristically shy about the whole affair, and I am desperately keeping this outing under wraps. I would appreciate your aid in keeping this matter from Aaron, at least for a short time. I fully anticipate Alexander making uncouth and inaccurate accusations along the lines of, “Burr put her up to this, didn’t he?” and I don’t want him to do that in front of the children.

My apologies if this letter is inappropriate in any way. My best wishes to your family.

Elizabeth Schuyler-Hamilton

 

To: [eschuyler-hamilton@gmail.com](mailto:eschuyler-hamilton@gmail.com)

From: [theodosiaburr@gmail.com](mailto:theodosiaburr@gmail.com)

Definitely. I’m in. Theo is very excited and nervous and it’s very cute. Aaron is less likely to overreact than Alexander (if you don’t mind my saying so) but he’s quite protective of our Theo and unlikely to be happy with her dating “that Hamilton boy” (which is complete rubbish as I know Philip is a lovely child, you’ve done a commendable job with him).

I propose we coordinate to tell Aaron and Alexander at the same time. Agreed?

 

To: [theodosiaburr@gmail.com](mailto:theodosiaburr@gmail.com)

From: [eschuyler-hamilton@gmail.com](mailto:eschuyler-hamilton@gmail.com)

Dear Theodosia,

Definitely. My cell number is (###) ###-####. I believe further coordination may be easier via text, especially as I’m planning on chauffeuring for Philip and Theo this weekend. I know that if our roles were reversed, I would love to have your contact information.

Thank you so much for your help with this endeavor!

Elizabeth Schuyler-Hamilton

 

Theodosia Burr, Sr. message log

From Theodosia: Theo is on outfit possibility #4 this is adorable heLP ME

From Theodosia: she looks cute in every single one but she doesn’t believe me :\

To Theodosia: Philip is actively dragging me out the door despite my reminders that if we leave now, we will arrive approximately ten minutes early. I plan on taking the long way to your house.

From Theodosia: I bet Theo is going to be waiting by the front door anyway

From Theodosia: also I managed to get Jefferson and Madison to distract Aaron tonight

To Theodosia: Do they know why?

From Theodosia: oh god no

From Theodosia: Jefferson would tell your husband just to see his reaction hell no I just got them talking about politics and out the door

To Theodosia: You’re a dear. Regrettably, I have to go, Philip is INSISTING we leave now.

From Theodosia: See you soon!

 

Eliza stood a little way back from her son as he smoothed a hand nervously over his dark curls. She didn’t laugh as he knocked carefully on the door three times.

It burst open immediately to reveal the younger Theodosia with her mother right behind her. “Hi, Theo,” Philip said.

“Hi, Philip.”

“Hi, Mrs. Burr,” Philip said. “Thank you for letting Theo come with me to the movies.”

Theodosia Sr. smiled warmly. “Of course, Philip. What with how excited she was-“

“Mo-om!”

“I couldn’t say no.” Theodosia Sr. looked over Philip’s shoulder to meet Eliza’s eyes. “Thank you for driving, Ms. Schuyler-Hamilton.”

Eliza smiled. “My pleasure. You ready to go, Theo? You and Philip are sitting in the backseat, I’m just the chauffeur.”

“Home by when, Theo?” Theodosia Sr. asked.

Theo rolled her eyes. “Ten o’clock on the nose.”

“Done,” Eliza said. “Come on, in we go, we have a movie to go see.”

“You’re not sitting with us,” Philip said. “You promised.”

Eliza nodded, sliding into the driver’s seat as her son and his date claimed the back. “I am going to be seeing a different movie entirely, Philip, don’t worry.”

“Thank you for the ride, Mrs. Hamilton,” Theo said from the backseat.

Eliza couldn’t help but smile- sweet girl, such good manners. Whatever her husband thought about the Burrs, he couldn’t deny that the Theodosias were both lovely people. However, she was not Mrs. Hamilton. Before she could correct little Theo, Philip did the job for her. “Mom is Ms. Schuyler-Hamilton, technically.”

“Oh. Sorry, Ms. Schuyler-Hamilton,” Theo said.

“Don’t worry, Theo, it’s a perfectly understandable mistake. But I’m not even here,” she said. “I’m just the driver.”

Theo frowned, a little suspicious and suddenly very like her father, before turning to Philip and rattling off a sentence in perfect French. Philip responded in kind and Eliza mentally kicked herself for not realizing this was going to happen. After all, Alexander raised Philip with the trilingual slurry of languages he himself grew up with and Aaron Burr was forever posting on Facebook about Theo’s many accomplishments.

Eliza did her best to parse out meaning, but she was by no means fluent in French and they were talking fast. Extremely fast, for fourteen-year-olds. Eventually, she gave up. She trusted her boy, he wouldn’t be saying anything bad.

“All right, we’re here,” Eliza said as they pulled into the cinema parking lot, interrupting the constant babble in French. “Time to get out.” As both kids clambered out of the car, Eliza remarked, “I forgot you were fluent in French, Theo.”

“Oui,” Theo replied. “Daddy taught me when I was young.”

Eliza smiled. “Mr. Hamilton did the same thing for Philip. It’s a lovely skill to have. However, I believe it is time for me to go, or my son is going to start giving me the stink-eye. Have fun at the movies, sweetheart!” She pressed a kiss to her son’s forehead, waved at Theo, and headed away into the cinema.

 

Theodosia Burr, Sr. message log

To Theodosia: We have arrived at the cinema. I forgot both of the children were fluently multi-lingual and thus have absolutely no idea what they were talking about for the ride over.

From Theodosia: wait Philip speaks French?

To Theodosia: Alexander is fluent, as is “Uncle Lafayette”. Philip’s first word was in French. I, however, do not speak French.

From Theodosia: all I know are the cuss words. Also the romantic ones because aaron is precious

From Theodosia: pls do not pass that on to alexander aaron would DIE

To Theodosia: I know that there are certain tidbits Alexander is better off not knowing.

To Theodosia: Also, I’m sure you’re aware, but your daughter is absolutely precious.

From Theodosia: I KNOW

From Theodosia: me and aaron sure know how to make ‘em it’s a shame theo’s an only child

From Theodosia: not for lack of trying though you know what I mean ;)

To Theodosia: I’m going to go into the theater now to catch a movie while the children flirt. It’s been lovely talking to you!

From Theodosia: you are the sweetest, eliza

To Theodosia: Best of wives and best of women, that’s what Alexander always says.

From Theodosia: OH MY GOD THAT’S PRECIOUS

From Theodosia: we’re still on to tell their dads after the kids go to bed tonight right?

To Theodosia: Yes. So if you hear someone at your door at three in the morning, it’s Alexander- do not open the door, just call me.

From Theodosia: noted

 

At 9:59, Philip was walking Theo to her front door, hand-in-hand. They said goodbye in French, blushed violently, and then Theo went inside and Philip _skipped_ back to the car, sliding into the passenger seat.

“So that went well,” Eliza said.

“Theo’s really cool,” Philip replied.

Smirking wildly, Eliza pulled out of the Burrs’ driveway and headed towards home. “I’m glad you two had a good time.”

“She said that her dad hates my dad.”

“That is… not untrue,” Eliza said. “Mr. Burr and your father constantly butt heads at their jobs. You know that your father is always working, right? Very energetic, always wanting to do more, all that, right?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Mr. Burr is very different. He’s very patient, willing to wait for the right moment to do something. It’s a very different outlook, and it means he and your father disagree, rather frequently.”

Philip frowned. “Am I never going to be able to tell Daddy about Theo?”

Eliza’s heart broke just a little bit. Age fourteen, Philip didn’t often slip and call her husband ‘Daddy’ because teenagers called their parents ‘Dad’. “No, of course not, honey,” Eliza said, reaching her right hand out to ruffle her son’s lovely dark curls, “Of course not. If you and Theo want to date, you should be able to date without your fathers making a mess of things. I’m going to tell your father tonight, okay? Let me handle it.”

“Are you sure?” Philip asked.

“I’ve known him longer than you have, sweetheart,” Eliza said. “You just go to bed, and when you wake up tomorrow, Daddy will know what happened tonight and he’ll be ready and eager to hear some stories. Just like I will be.” Philip groaned and dramatically rolled his eyes. “If it helps, the same thing is happening at Theo’s house tonight. Mrs. Burr is going to tell Mr. Burr. We thought it would be best that your fathers find out at the same time.”

Philip remained unconvinced, but said, “If you’re sure…”

“Sure I’m sure. Everything will be fine. You’ll see.”

 

“What?”

Eliza crossed her arms and arched an eyebrow at her husband. “Philip was on a date tonight with little Theodosia Burr, Jr. They saw a Disney/Pixar movie and babbled at each other in French, it was extremely cute.”

“And you didn’t _tell_ me?”

“No,” Eliza said. “Because you’d overreact, like you are right now. I thought the children deserved a peaceful first date. If it helps, Aaron Burr didn’t know either. Theodosia Sr. is telling him right now.”

Alexander frowned. “That does help.”

“Theodosia Sr. and I agreed it would be for the best if we delayed telling the two of you, for the children’s sake. They were both so excited for tonight, it was precious.”

“I bet you anything Burr put her up to this.”

Eliza pressed a hand against her husband’s chest, forcing him back into his seat. “No, he didn’t know. Philip asked Theo out, remember.”

“Oh my God, and I told him to do that. I gave him that advice! She’s seducing him, Eliza!”

“No, she’s not, she’s a fourteen-year-old girl who just went on her first date with a cute boy in her fourth period class whose life has some eerie parallels with her own. Calm down, Alexander. You remember what happens when you don’t take my advice, right?”

Alexander sagged against the chair, surrendering. “My political career goes down the toilet.”

Eliza nodded. “That’s right. So tomorrow morning, you’re going to do what?”

“Confront Burr?” Alexander asked hopefully.

“Try again.”

“Ask Philip how the date went.”

“And?”

“Not insinuate that Theo Jr. is just trying to infiltrate our house and steal my writings.”

Eliza kissed her husband. “Good. Also, no one is trying to infiltrate our house, my love. You post everything you write online anyway. There’s nothing to gain by bugging our house.”

“… you really are the best wife a man could ask for, you know that, right, Eliza?”

“I do like being reminded,” Eliza said, smiling. “I have a gift.”

 

LAURENS :P B) <3 message log

To LAURENS :P B) <3: you knew about this didn’t you

To LAURENS :P B) <3: that Philip was tryna date the smallest burr

To LAURENS :P B) <3: you KNEW and you didn’t TELL me

From LAURENS :P B) <3: Eliza told me not to!

To LAURENS :P B) <3: sure sure hide behind eliza REAL MATURE

From LAURENS :P B) <3: tbh I’m surprised you haven’t made an angry tweet about this yet

From LAURENS :P B) <3: wait eliza locked your phone didn’t she

To LAURENS :P B) <3: eliza changed my password

To LAURENS :P B) <3: what would I do without her

From LAURENS :P B) <3: dumb shit

To LAURENS :P B) <3: hurtful

To LAURENS :P B) <3: true but like hurtful

 

ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS message log

From ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: I heard about Philip and Theo.

To ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: YOU ARE BUGGING MY HOUSE AND NOW I HAVE PROOF

From ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: Burr told me.

From ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: I hope that Philip and Theo get married, thereby forcing you and Burr to play happy fathers-in-law for the rest of your lives

To ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: low blow t-jeffs low blow

From ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: Never refer to me as t-jeffs again. That’s worse than my contact name in your phone.

To ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: YOU ARE BUGGING MY PHONE

To ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: I’M TELLING THE PRESIDENT

From ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: You literally posted a screenshot of a text conversation we had last week on Twitter.

From ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: Make sure you tell Washington that his grandson went on his first date last night. He’ll want pictures.

To ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: HE IS NOT MY DAD

From ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: Sure.

To ANGRY FRANCOPHILE POS: I literally hate you so much

 

-Epilogue-

*facebook post from Philip Hamilton*

*picture of Philip and Theo in graduation robes kissing in front of a sunset, the kind of platonic ideal of a photograph mere mortals die wishing they could achieve*

Theodosia Burr, Jr.

For three and a half years, you have been brightening my life. I’m so glad that high school was an adventure we tackled together, not apart. Your outlook on the world is so inspiring and uplifting to me and I have been grateful for you every second of our time together. I couldn’t be prouder of you for graduating with top honors (and more tassels than your cap could fit) and only rubbing it in my face a _little_ that you beat me out for valedictorian. As we start this next phase of our lives, I want you to know that I’m so proud to know you and so privileged to be your boyfriend. I have come to rely on your strength, wisdom, and support in getting through the rough times, and I hope you know that I’ll be by your side through the rough times in the future.

Congratulations. I love you.

Comment from Theo Burr (Jr.): you are a sap

Comment from Theodosia Burr (Sr.): She only posted that because you made her cry.

Comment from Philip Hamilton: Guilty as charged, Theo.

Comment from Theo Burr (Jr.): you are a sap and never ever stop <3

 

BEST OF WIVES message log

To BEST OF WIVES: Did you see Philip’s facebook post??????

To BEST OF WIVES: I THOUGHT YOU SAID THEY WOULD NEVER LAST THAT WAS PRACTICALLY A PROPOSAL WHAT IS THIS

From BEST OF WIVES: Alexander, if you post a single comment on that post, you will be sleeping on the couch for two weeks. Let the children be happy.

To BEST OF WIVES: yeah you should probably lock me out of facebook

From BEST OF WIVES: It’s cute that you think I’m not already doing that.

 

NO message log

From NO: Saw your son’s facebook post.

From NO: You and Burr are going to play happy fathers-in-law for the REST OF YOUR LIVES.

To NO: just when I thought you couldn’t get any worse, Jefferson

From NO: I hope they name their first son Aaron

To NO: I WOULD LITERALLY RATHER GO BACK TO BEING A COLONY THAN VOTE FOR YOU FOR PRESIDENT

From NO: a burr almost definitely took your son’s virginity

To NO: fuck it eliza was right I’m blocking you


End file.
